All parenting books talk about how consistency is critical. Examples are given to show the importance of helping children learn boundaries and limits. They talk about how consistency helps children to feel safe. And, how consistency helps them to learn cause and effect thinking. With children who were adopted, consistent parenting is often even more critical than with biological children.
Children who were adopted may have come from backgrounds that are inconsistent regarding food, rules, responses, and more. If they lived with their birth family, they may have been in an environment where parents were unable, due to drugs or alcohol, to provide a stable, consistent environment. If they lived in multiple foster families, their lives may have been filled with only short-term stability. If they lived in an orphanage, they may have had multiple caregivers, each enforcing various rules in various ways.
Lack of consistency means our children feel unsafe, are unsure of our expectations, and have poor cause and effect thinking. If they were hungry and cried, and one time they were given food, and one time they were yelled at, and one time they were closed in a closet, their brains are unable to clearly understand that certain behaviors and actions have certain reliable consequences. They will have trouble relating their own behaviors and choices to corresponding consequences.
When children come to live in their forever family, parents can help them become successful in life by being consistent in their rules and expectations. Being easy on them and letting them slide when it comes to rules will not help them. As soon as they're old enough, teach them family rules and give them chores. Show them that you're paying attention. Provide them with consequences for breaking the rules so that they're being well prepared for life. Help their brain learn to connect their behaviors and choices with related consequences.
Examples of consistency in rules and expectations:
Rule: In this family, we don't hit each other.
If your child hits, she should do restitution to the person she hit i.e. fold that person's laundry.
Rule: Everyone is expected to be ready to leave the house by 7:30 in the morning.
If your child isn't ready, they should have to do a chore for the family to make up for the trouble it caused.
Rule: Helmets are always to be worn when riding a bike.
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