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Grief and Loss in Adopted Children

© Susan Ward

As parents, adoption agencies, and social workers, we view adoption as happy, joyful. A child without a family now has one. A family yearning to share it's love can now open its heart.

Intellectually, we understand that children may not have that same sense of joy that we do about being adopted, especially during the first weeks and months. Practically, though, do we allow and even create enough opportunities for adopted children to grieve their losses and their past?

In "Helping Children Grieve and Grow," Donna O'Toole and Jerre Cory write, "Especially for children a loss may be based on safety, comfort, and familiarity, rather than on what adults speak of as love or affection."

Additionally, O'Toole and Cory write, "When children feel overwhelmed by intense feelings they may naturally make their world safe by distancing themselves physically or emotionally, by pretending or by denying the reality of the loss."

Nine-year old Hannah, adopted at age six, says, "The hardest part of grieving is learning to say good-by. We have to say good-by to things that are in our hearts but sometimes these things in our heart gave us bad habits...habits that we can't let go of easily."

As adoptive parents, we cannot overlook our children's grief because it is not easily seen or identified. We need to listen, watch, discuss, and comfort, even when the grief is not easy to spot.

Our children have left familiar surroundings... people they know... schools... foods... routines. Adjustment, as written about last week, is only one part of successfully integrating a child into our families. Attending to their grief is another critical element.

Whether your child is newly home, or has been home for years, here are some tips for helping them to acknowledge, accept, and grow from their grief:

-Talk about your own and other people's losses and grief.

-Read books to your child about loss and grief and show how others have lived through their losses.

-Suggest that they keep a journal where they write or draw about their feelings.

-Find ways for your child to commemorate their past. Light candles, create a special section in their lifebook, frame a particular drawing pertaining to their loss.

-Help them find positive ways to express their feelings: physical activities, praying, crying.

-Help your child learn to cry. Many of our children have been taught not to cry. Help them understand how healing crying is. Let them see you cry.

Your child needs you to be there, to listen, and to understand that their grief is as intense, even if different, to that of an adult's.

The copyright of the article Grief and Loss in Adopted Children in Adoptive Parenting is owned by Susan Ward. Permission to republish Grief and Loss in Adopted Children in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.