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Attachment and Bonding: Words From the Experts

© Susan Ward

When we adopt children, no matter what their age, they arrive with a previous life of experiences. That "life" may be in-utero, if we adopt a newborn, or years long, if we adopt an older child. One of the most important factors in how our children develop, depends on the bonding and attachment they had with their birth mother and family, and the bonding and attachment that occurs between us and our child.

The more we as adoptive parents know about attachment, the better we can parent our children. Your child may be very securely attached, or she may have some attachment issues, or may be diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Below are excerpts from experts. Use this information as a starting point, then do your own additional reading and information-gathering.

Basic attachment information
"The primary caregiver--and therefore the mother in most cases--is, of course, especially important. Something fundamental seems to get established in the infant's relationship with her during the first year or two that often considerable outweighs the contribution of any secondary attachment figure. But the formative power of the second parent--whether he is harsh or accepting, tyrannical or easygoing, highly involved or abdicating, living at home or long gone--is critical, too."

Becoming Attached: Unfolding the Mystery of the Infant-Mother Bond and Its Impact on Later Life, by Robert Karen, Warner Books, 1994

"When parents are consistent in their patterns of care and pay attention to the particular signals of their baby, they provide a favorable environment for the child to experience the parents (and the world) as reliable and responsive to its individual needs. "

"By repeated assurance that emotional and physical needs will be met, the baby begins to develop a sense of basic trust."

Bonding: Building the Foundations of Secure Attachment and Independence, by Marshall H. Klaus, M.D.; John H. Kennell, M.D.; Phyllis H. Klaus, C.S.W., M.F.C.C.,

Identifying attachment issues
"General Symptom Patterns of Poorly Attached Children (Partial list)
~ Excessive need to control
~ Oppositional-defiant behaviors
~ Intense negative affect…rage, terror, despair
~ Hurting others and self…emotional, physical
~ Poor response to discipline…frustration, responsibility
~ Lies, excuses, blaming
~ Good/bad splitting
~ Sense of entitlement; demanding
~ Victimhood identity
~ Destructive, stealing, hoarding
~ Manipulative affect and behavior
~ Dissociation and/or hypervigilance
~ Lack of eye contact
~ Lack of guilt/remorse
~ Lack of cause/effect thinking
~ Lack of appropriate physical boundaries"

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening the Love in Deeply Troubled Children, by Daniel A. Hughes, Ph.D.

Attachment issues, treatment and parenting
"Although all parenting is a challenging (and rewarding) task, parenting the child with attachment disorder is especially arduous. These children are commonly mistrustful, angry, irresponsible, defensive, dishonest, destructive, and do not give or accept affection and love. Parenting requires the firmness to set limits, the maturity to remain calm and centered, and the flexibility to meet the child's unique needs."