Being diagnosed with ADHD was such a relief for me. I didn't realize that getting through daily life just wasn't supposed to be so hard. I thought everyone struggled like I did - in fact, I didn't even consider myself struggling. I thought it was just the way life was. I never knew that life wasn't always supposed to feel overwhelming all the time. I thought everyone had to "hide" their true selves from others in order to appear to be staying afloat. I only wish I had discovered what the problem was! The only problem with that was when I said something like "I'm so disorganized," it was usually met with an organized friend or family members retort that you just have to work at it - in other words, "try harder." I was already working so hard - I certainly didn't have time to work any harder on anything! I was trying as hard as I could. So, things continued to get worse and I kept mentally beating myself up for not being as "good" as I thought I ought to be. If other people could keep up, why couldn't I? I know I'm intelligent. I have a college degree. Why can't I just shape up?
Others with ADHD, especially those who are not diagnosed until they are adults, tend to feel the same way. As Sari Solden says in her book Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, "their goal becomes 'not to feel bad' instead of 'to feel good.'" In my experience, this is so true. Until I was diagnosed, I didn't know there was a difference between "not feeling bad" and "feeling good" about myself. I'm beginning to understand the difference, but it is a process. I think the process time varies from person to person. I was so relieved by knowing what was "wrong" with me that I believe I was able to stop hiding my true self-at least to a certain extent. Of course, I think my friends thought I had gone completely nuts! I had been working so hard just to look like I wasn't overwhelmed when I was, that I think it took some getting used to for them! I would finally talk about how I really felt. I saw some really bewildered looks from friends, and I still don't think they understand completely, but I felt so much better. Every time I had been "myself" before, I chastised myself for being so stupid, clumsy, unmannerly or just for being like I was. I still do things that I shouldn't, but at least now I know why - and it is such a relief to know why I am like I am!
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