Jolly old Santa gets to spend over 360 days of the year in his workshop without any bosses. He gets to play with the toys, tease the elves, and even play golf if he wants to. On Christmas Eve, he gets to go for a ride, peddle the toys, and eat all the goodies that kids leave by the fire.
Does this sound like a wonderful job? It isn't.
Two years ago, I wrote to the North Pole and submitted a bid to become Santa's intern. Being retired, I could do it for free. Being much younger than Santa, I could fill in if his arthritis got so bad that he couldn't handle the reigns. With such great credentials, how could they refuse my proposal.
Once I reported for duty, the shock I received must have come from a 9000 mega-volt zapper. Here's what I found.
1. The North Pole is too cold for playing much golf and computerized golf games didn't do a thing for my swing.
2. Santa's facility didn't have a ski lift, and his equipment for packing the snow tended to break down by the time he prepared his own landing strip. That caused problems. Loose snow created too much drag on the sleigh skids. To compound the problem, Rudolf and his buddies refused to take off because of the volume of soft snow on the runway.
3. Mrs. Santa filed a sex discrimination suit claiming that she was the only one at the North Pole that had to work every day of the year. With luck, her case will get to the Supreme Court by 2023. In the meantime, she is conducting a slowdown.
4. Because of Mrs. Santa cutting back on her labors, the elves complained that they were underfed. Fortunately, a few female elves pitched in and started helping out in the kitchen.
5. In quest of equality, a few of the males pitched in as well. That didn't last long. Most of them baked cookies that tasted like grits, left dirty dishes, and acted like a bunch of in-training army cooks from Lower Slobovia.
6. Santa Claus had to go on a diet for 364 days that year. He had put on so much weight munching on goodies left by the kids that the reindeer were having more and more trouble moving the sleigh. For a while, Santa thought about skipping the snacks but he got so many complaints from the kids that he went back to his gluttonous ways. It seems as though the kids thought that they didn't get their fair share of toys when Santa left their offerings behind.
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